Remember to Thank All Your Fathers

I am thankful for my father, and I told him so today. It annoys me slightly to do so on “Fathers’ Day” since there is always the nagging thought that I am doing so only because of all the marketing hype. It is not nearly so bad as Valentine’s Day, where The Man and I go out of our way to specifically NOT participate, but that is a different story. On this day, however, I am somewhat grateful for the marketing, since I really do not thank him often enough and even though I am “supposed to” today, I did so gratefully and from my heart.

At the same time, I think of my father-in-law who I never really thanked directly and now no longer have the opportunity. He was an embodiment of the “American Dream.” Born poor, grew up through the Great Depression, never went to high school, worked uncountable odd jobs including a sho-’nuff range cowboy (which for some reason impresses me to no end), could fix anything so his garage was always full of “I can use this for something someday” car parts and appliances and hardware and tools. He got a job as a mechanic and over the years worked his way up to a supervising safety inspector for one of the Big Four U.S. airlines. He was frugal but not miserly, carefully planned and saved and invested so he could live out his days going about his quiet life independently, not a burden to his children and especially not dependent on the government. And when he passed, his estate left a generous portion to each of his three children.

Because of his health, The Man has not had significant work in over 18 months, and now I have no job, either. Yet because of Mr. B’s wisdom and carefulness combined with my severance pay, we are safe for at least a year and can stretch that a few months longer if we follow his lessons.

Thank you, sir. I wish I could do it in person.

Thursday Thoughts

1. Stupid, stupid, STUPID! One bad quarter, (“bad” in the sense we missed earnings targets, “down” over last year though earnings were still measured in the $BILLIONS) after two years of record revenue and earnings, and the “solution” is to terminate thousands of employees, including 25% of my area?
2. I have no job. I have no idea what to do with no job. This added to The Man not having worked significantly in two years.
3. There is a decent severance package, but that does not cover the loss to my 401(k) because they changed the rules this year to not give the promised match unless you are employed on 31 December. Right before a major layoff, how convenient. The person in finance who dreamed up that one should get a large bonus for all the money they just saved the company. And cannot even contribute to a 401(k) when I have no job.
4. Retirement is what I am worried about. We were so close to squirreling away large amounts for when we want to sit back and relax a bit after decades of hard work, and have no kids to live with or give back to their parents. And now we cannot even pay off the house this year like we planned.
5. I have 30 days notice, and should “feel free” to look for another job inside the company. So let me get this straight, layoffs all across the board, massive layoffs in the areas where I have skills, and manager says that like there are actually jobs to be found? Right, I’m not stupid.
6. And why would I want to stay anyway? The only possible positions would be in the one division that made money, and their one bad corner is coming sooner or later, and just like I was the newcomer with little experience in my area and thus expendable (23 years of strong contribution to the company apparently is not good enough), I will be first to go there.
7. Yes, other companies are probably just as bad. But if I am going to start at the bottom of the heap I might as well do it somewhere that stands a chance of recognizing contribution. It certainly is not here. Or there, now, I guess. Whatever.
8. They call it “planning” for retirement, but it only works if you can stay employed. And you cannot plan if you have no control over whether or not you keep your job.
9. I am angry at this, a lot. I worked long hard hours for literally decades, and I am informed my contribution is no longer appreciated. Actually now that I think about it, it has not been appreciated for years now.
10. [unprintable thought]

Psalm 23: My Wider View

(Note: This is the last in a series of thoughts on a study of Psalm 23; some of the thoughts are mine, many of them belong to the pastor. See The Lord is My Shepherd, I Think, Maybe I Need to Lie Down, Life is Scary, Just Breathe, The Family Table and Relentless Pursuit for earlier thoughts.)

So, here I am at the end. I wrote each entry as it came to me, focusing on just the verses presented that particular Sunday. An unspoken goal was always to see how it all fit together, but I have hesitated. There were many distractions along the way, holidays, job changes, vacations, surgery, but those are really just excuses. It is almost as if I’m reluctant to wrap it up, because then it will be over and I don’t really have the motivation to do this with another sermon series. Of course, I might ought to actually go to church on a regular basis to see if something else strikes me at the same level.

In any case, here is the original psalm and my (guided) interpretation. It will be the first time I have seen the entire thing at once, and for some reason it makes me nervous.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
—New International Version

The Lord shepherds me, there is nothing I want more than this.
He forces me to rest when I do not recognize my own need, slows down life for me so that I can appreciate it, and in the process gives me back my soul.
He guides me in doing his will but does not give me a map, so I am not tempted to try to make a go of it on my own.
When life is frightening, I am comforted because you are there, guiding me; you protect me, and pull me back to you when I start to wander off.
You set a place for me at the family table, reminding me that we are all your children even when we are in conflict.
You give me my calling then provide what I need to do it, never neglecting me.
Whenever I separate myself from you, you never give up on me. You relentlessly pursue me with your goodness and love, so that I will always return to you.
—Me

Interesting. David starts out talking about God, then ends up taking to him. I wonder if that is what prayer is supposed to be like? I need to think more about this.

Thursday Thoughts – Special Friday Edition

1. It has now been 10 days since The Man’s surgery. In some ways I think he is doing very well, in others I see that recovery is going to take a long time. There is still a lot of pain and he gets tired very easily, but he gets around mostly on his own.
2. I worry about going back to work next week. He is essentially home-bound even if he can walk around some, so I have to make sure every need is met before I leave. That is not something I really had to think about before, if we are out of milk and he wants some on his breakfast, he cannot just go get it.
3. I worry about going back to work next week. There are big changes coming, a shift in direction, and I do not know what to expect.
4. One of my biggest strengths is years (decades, even) of experience. If the shift in direction is too great, it will leave me with “no” experience and thus no real strength, and I wonder whether I will be able to compete with the younger workers.
5. I jokingly said to a co-worker today that they will transfer us all to another city. That would just be my luck, to do a lot of repair, landscaping and remodeling, be just months away from having the house paid off completely, and have to move. I am actually at a point where I would have to think about whether to accept the transfer.
6. Little Cat has become extremely clingy. I am concerned she is trying to tell me something.
7. I miss riding my bike.
8. I went outside a while ago, the first hot day has arrived, 95°F. It made me think, “I should go swimming.” And that shocked me, because I do not like swimming, especially in a crowded public pool. Where did that thought come from? And what was it doing in my head? Strange.
9. I have a lot of thoughts during the week that I think I should write down and explore further. But they never seem to make it here.
10. I just noticed that all but three of today’s Thoughts start with “I” (or two, if you count just the letter and not the full word). I am having to resist the urge to go back and change those thoughts.

Thursday Thoughts – Special Friday Edition

1. This was a busy week.
2. For the first time in a long time (perhaps decades?) I feel like I wrapped things up neatly at work before leaving on vacation. As far as I know I have not left anything for someone else to finish. There are some things that someone will have to cover for me, but they are new things coming in while I am gone, not things I left undone.
3. Yes, vacation! Eastern Europe, someplace neither of us have been before.
4. We are ready to go, everything packed except toiletries and a few items that we will use between now and Sunday when we leave.
5. Really? Essentially ready to go 36 hours early? That never happens.
6. Please please please let me not forget my passport!
7. I must also remember to be patient. We have plenty–long layovers at every airport, there is no need to rush or stress.
8. And when we get there, just follow The Man. He has spent months planning this, let him lead where he will.
9. Two words: Mineral baths.
10. In all of this, I think of the people in Boston and West, Texas, whose lives have been turned upside down and who will not get to relax for a while.

Tuesday TED Talks – Taking the Driver’s Seat

This TED Talk seemed particularly relevant to me. “Baba Shiv: Sometimes It’s Good to Give Up the Driver’s Seat” is under 10 minutes and while I do not think his conclusions will work for everyone or in all situations, it may be that he doesn’t claim that and at the least it is thought-provoking. From the synopsis:

Over the years, research has shown a counterintuitive fact about human nature: That sometimes, having too much choice makes us less happy. This may even be true when it comes to medical treatment. Baba Shiv shares a fascinating study that measures why choice opens the door to doubt, and suggests that ceding control — especially on life-or-death decisions — may be the best thing for us.

–Baba Shiv, ”Sometimes It’s Good to Give Up the Driver’s Seat“

It’s obviously impossible for everyone to give up control and all decision-making over everything, nothing would get done. Even short of the absolute I believe there is a point too far, beyond which people become (or choose to be) unable to think for themselves, to manage basic life skills, and become unnecessarily dependent on others or society or the government to do everything for them. I believe that one must be in the driver’s seat most of the time, taking an active purposeful role in managing one’s own life. There are times also when there is simply no choice, no one who is able or willing to take over the driver’s seat.

That said, perhaps Dr. Shiv’s point is well taken at least when it comes to recovery. In the talk he says, “A patient in the driver’s seat [may spend mental energy on decision-making, thus] keeping herself or himself less physically fit, physically active to hasten the recovery process, which is what is often advocated.” This may be especially true if the recovery itself is as much or even more painful than the ailment. Having to keep track of various medications, followup appointments, continuing treatment options, to make a choice between a painful walk around the room or another pain pill that gives a few more hours of oblivion, to make healthy decision for meals… Yes, I can see how having someone else in the driver’s seat might be beneficial.

Our medical system has changed (for better or worse I will not judge here). Even when one is in the hospital, while some things like medication and nutrition and therapy are controlled, other decisions may not be. And the goal of every procedure is to move the patient out of the system as quickly as possible, often with a good deal of recovery left to be managed by the patient. Or, someone close to them.

And that brings me to what I think is my most important thought, the flip-side of Dr. Shiv’s thesis: Sometimes taking the driver’s seat may be the best thing for us. What greater gift could one give than to (temporarily) take control for another, managing schedules, making the hard decisions such as getting out of bed for a painful walk, choosing brussels sprouts over ice cream, even bathing them in bed when they would prefer just to be left alone.

The Man’s surgery is just three weeks away. I hope I keep this thought in my head, and joyfully give him that gift.

How Do You Surf a Tsunami?

I ran across this graphic the other day, at marc5solas.com. The blogger used it to make a specific point and I am taking it out of that context, but it made me think about something different.

I agree with this for individual feelings. If someone criticizes me fairly, I can choose to ride the “inadequate” wave and beat myself up, or the “embarrassed” wave and become overly defensive, or the “grateful” wave and be thankful someone cares enough to help me improve (that last one is especially difficult). If someone criticizes me unfairly, I can ride the “grudge” wave, or choose not to surf at all. When someone dies, I can rejoice in their life or be overwhelmed with depression over my loss (I believe both will and should be felt, but which one will I surf?). When life itself is uncertain, I can ride the wave of anxiety or accept it and “duck dive” through it.

This metaphor is fine for examining individual feelings, coming at you one at a time like nice, periodic, evenly spaced waves. But as much as I wish it would, life doesn’t behave in so orderly a way. What happens when everything comes at you at once, criticism of your work, death of a loved one, both cars breaking down when you only have budget for one, various “minor” physical problems that taken together have a significant effect, questioning whether you are strong enough to care for someone totally dependent on you in every way after major surgery, decisions about long-term financial future that have to be made now but whose effects remain unknown for many years, and on and on? What do you do when all the waves come crashing over you, leaving you overwhelmed and tossed around until you find yourself washed up on a beach somewhere, bruised and exhausted and unsure quite where you are and how you got there? How can one possibly “choose which one to surf?”

I can see those waves coming, just a few weeks away. The first ones are already here, and getting larger. I tried to express some of my feelings yesterday (not what I thought was reality, but just the way I sometimes felt about it), and perhaps I did an inadequate job, but I could not handle the backlash. I just wanted it to go away, for the conversation to never have happened. That is the only way I see to get through this time, to block off everything. To make detailed, rigid schedules and lists so I can just do and not have to think or feel lest I lose control. To build up walls so the waves crash against them and not me, and hope the walls are strong enough to withstand it, that I have filled in enough cracks so my little compartment is not flooded.

And that I am smart enough to build a door so I can come out when the storm is over.